Explore Chapter 2 of 'Sinking' with the original Chinese text, English translation, detailed Chinese vocabulary explanations, and audio of the Chinese original. Listen and improve your reading skills.
He found the school textbooks as tasteless as chewing wax, utterly devoid of any interest. On clear days, he would often take a beloved literary book and run to the secluded mountainsides or watersides, craving the profound taste of solitude. In moments of absolute silence, where water and sky mirrored each other, he would gaze at the plants, insects, and fish, at the white clouds and the azure sky, and feel himself to be a sage aloof from the world, a recluse standing alone and aloof. Sometimes, when he encountered a farmer in the mountains, he would imagine himself as Zarathustra, and in his heart, he would speak the words of Zarathustra to that farmer. His megalomania grew in direct proportion to his hypochondria, increasing day by day. At such times, it was no wonder he was unwilling to go to school and perform those mechanical tasks. There were even times when he skipped school for four or five days in a row.
Sometimes when he went to school, he always felt that everyone was staring at him. He tried to avoid his classmates, but no matter where he went, their gazes seemed to carry malice, piercing his back.
During class, although he sat among all the students, he felt extremely lonely. This loneliness felt in the midst of a crowd was even more unbearable than the loneliness felt in a quiet place alone. Looking at his classmates, each one listening to the teacher's lecture with high spirits, only he, while his body sat in the classroom, his mind wandered like fleeting clouds and lightning, indulging in boundless daydreams.
Finally, the bell for the end of class rang! After the teacher left, his classmates laughed and chatted, each enjoying themselves like spring swallows and sparrows. Only he alone wore a frown, his tongue root as if weighed down by a thousand-pound boulder, uttering not a sound. He also hoped that his classmates would come and talk to him, but they all went their own ways to seek pleasure. At the sight of his sorrowful face, not one of them didn't flee in panic, so he resented his classmates even more.
"They are all Japan people, they are all my enemies. One day I will take revenge, I must take revenge on them." In moments of grief and anger, he always thought this way. However, when he calmed down, he couldn't help but mock himself, saying, "They are all Japan people, of course they have no sympathy for you. Because you desire their sympathy, you resent them. Isn't this your own mistake?"
Among his classmates, there were some who were more sociable and would sometimes come to joke with him. Although he felt very grateful in his heart and wanted to have a heartfelt conversation with that person, he could never find the words to say. So, even those few who understood his intentions had no choice but to distance themselves from him.
When his Japan classmates were laughing, he always suspected they were laughing at him, and his face would instantly flush red. When they were chatting, if someone happened to glance at him, he would suddenly blush again, thinking they were talking about him. The distance between him and his classmates grew farther day by day. His classmates all thought he loved solitude, so no one dared to approach him.
One day after school, he carried his schoolbag back to his inn. Three Japan students were walking with him. Just as they were about to reach the inn where he stayed, two female students in red skirts suddenly appeared ahead. In this suburban area, female students were never seen, so at the sight of these two girls, his breath tightened. When the four of them passed by the two girls, his three Japan classmates asked them, "Where are you going?"
The three Japan students laughed loudly, as if very pleased with themselves. Only he alone, as if he himself had spoken to them, hurriedly ran back to the inn. Entering his own room, he flung his schoolbag forcefully onto the tatami and lay down on it-in Japan, rooms are floored with tatami, one sits on the floor and sleeps on the tatami-his heart was still pounding wildly. Using one hand to pillow his head and the other to press against his chest, he mocked and cursed himself, saying, "You coward fellow, you are too coward!" "Since you are shy, why do you regret it?" "If you regret it, why didn't you have the courage then to say a word to them?" "Oh, coward, coward!"
In those two pairs of eyes, there was indeed a meaning of surprise and delight. However, after thinking it over more carefully, he suddenly exclaimed, "Fool, fool! Although they have intentions, what does it have to do with you? The amorous glances they sent were not solely for those three Japan people? Ah! Ah! They already know, they already know I am Chinese, otherwise why didn't they glance at me? Revenge, revenge, I must take revenge on them."
At this point, a few cold tears suddenly rolled down his burning cheeks. He was heartbroken to the extreme. That night, he wrote in his diary: Why did I have to come to Japan? Why did I have to seek knowledge? Since I have come to Japan, it is natural that I have to be despised by the Japan people. China, oh China! Why don't you become prosperous and strong? I can no longer endure this. Doesn't my homeland have beautiful mountains and rivers? Doesn't my homeland have flower-like beauties? Why did I have to come to this island nation in the eastern sea? Coming to Japan is one thing, but why did I have to enter this damned higher school? Those who studied abroad for just five months, aren't they enjoying glory and happiness back home? How can I endure these five or six years? After enduring countless hardships and accumulating over a decade of knowledge, when I return to China, can I really be better than those frivolous students? A human life spans a hundred years, and in youth, there are only seven or eight years. These best and most beautiful seven or eight years, I have to waste them in this heartless island nation. Pitifully, I am already twenty-one this year. Twenty-one years old, like withered wood! Twenty-one years old, like dead ashes! I might as well turn into mineral matter. I probably have no days of blooming left. I don't want knowledge, I don't want fame, all I want is a "heart" that can comfort and understand me. A heart of white heat! The sympathy born from such a heart! The love that comes from sympathy! What I seek is love! If there were a beauty who could understand my sufferings, I would be willing to die for her. If there were a woman, whether beautiful or ugly, who could love me sincerely and truly, I would be willing to die for her. What I seek is the love of the opposite sex! Oh heavens, oh heavens, I do not want knowledge, I do not want fame, I do not want those useless riches. If you could bestow upon me an "Eve" from the Garden of Eden, so that her body and soul entirely belong to me, I would be utterly content.